JAY PRETLI: He once watched an entire gif to the very end.

Dammit. We want to do a family Christmas portrait, but we don't have any AR-15s. 😞

Literally all of the answers you seek can be found in the lyrics of “The Humpty Dance”

Please read every online article, watch every movie ever made, and listen to every song ever recorded so that you get my references.

@nessajuliaa I keep doing the math and no matter how I do it, if 100% of the people owned a company, there would be 0% of the people able to work those companies.

If you want to go fast, go alone.
If you want to go far, go together.

Hey people who lead a “double life”:

Isn't one life exhausting enough?

People get weird when you teach their monkey to smoke.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.

#TrueStory

...read more

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).
It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?" ...read more

@kfields2491 @kamerdumonde @Issyloveshoney @CNN A troglodyte is some who loses battles to squirrels while dreaming of what it would be like to be attractive. Where are you going with this?

Told my therapist I left a tweet up with a typo in it and we hugged.